Irvine, the lonely action figure.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: One day in the life of an Irvine Kinneas action figure.


3:00 a.m.  
  
Why am I still on the shelves?  
  
Ah, you might not know who or what I am. My name (at least from what's been below my feet for the past year now) is Irvine Kinneas. Back in the day, I used to be big. Part in Final Fantasy VIII, people coming up to me and going, "Hey, what's up, dude?", all of that stuff. They even made me a freaking action figure, for chrisssakes. That's where I come into the story.   
  
You see, I'm one of those action figures. Shipped all over. I got to one of the bigger toy chains, just a proof of how cool the game was. Unfortunately, those bastards made the big mistake. Instead of making the female figures rare, they made the male ones rare (save for me.) I usually love that, get surrounded with attractive, eligible hotties who all need to have someone who shared their figure line, but it slowly drained. I mean, can't you guys identify about the pains of having many cute babes fighting over which one got to have you that night?  
  
Then, it stopped.  
  
Females and male Final Fantasy disciples flooded the store. Bought every one up...except me. Instead of the life I was accustomed to, I was relegated to a shared hook alongside many Metal Gear: Solid figures, all of whom were in the same boat I was in and hadn't seen a woman from their line in a LONG time. It is because of this I thank Sephiroth that I couldn't bend. As a result, I am left here...today.  
  
Today's got to be the day! I mean, it's the day after Thanksgiving, right? The busiest shopping day of the year! I'm in one of the biggest toy stores in the country! In addition, I checked my back, this is supposed to be my birthday! Someone's bound to buy me!   
  
9:00 a.m.  
  
No one's buying me... This sucks. I'm an amazing piece of work from an amazing game. WHY WON'T YOU BUY ME? I mean, you poor, inbred hicks will probably give your kids a marked down copy of VIII (if you can't get a rental of IX) this holiday, so why not add the game's sharpshooter?  
  
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm a little on edge, come on, I need to be bought! Snake has said that he's found a pair of pliers and is ready to use them tonight! I NEED THIS! Someone buy me!  
  
11:00 a.m.  
  
Well, at least people are coming this way.... HE'S HEADING TOWARDS MY STUFF....Oh. You wanted Snake. Thanks anyway, man. Geez, why am I so unlovable? Is it the gun? Come on, my gun's fine. Kids like guns. Is it the mullet? No, that can't be it. I mean, tests have gone to show you, guys with the mullets get the girls, and in the history of video gaming, there's never been someone who reeked of mulletosity as I do! Oh, wait, I get it. It's the clothes, isn't it? WHY DID I GET THIS COSTUME? I mean, I can just imagine the board meeting to determine clothing schemes:   
"Let's see. We'll give Rinoa this cut-down wet suit and this cape we got at a garage sale, we'll give Quistis this outfit that'll be guaranteed to make her look like a thousand dollar... hooker, we'll allow Selphie to have this little thing my daughter outgrew..."   
"But dude, dresses like that will make the world her gynecologist!"   
"So? It'll work out."  
"What about the guys?"  
"Well, what about this for Seifer? This'll make him look like the ultimate Trenchcoat Mafia member...."  
"I like..."  
"For Squall, we've got this one guaranteed to make him look like the original Balambian Bad-Ass..."  
"Excellent..."  
"I've scored Zell this piece that will make him look like he's a typical Punk..."  
"A little tame, but it works. But what do we use for Irvine?"  
They'd probably pause for some dramatic effect, and then....  
"Two words: GAY COWBOY."  
"I like, I like!"  
Geez, you might like it, but I have to wear this thing! Come on! No one wears a purple blouse under this stuff! No one's going to buy me with this on...Is that a customer? He's picking me up..YES! SCORE! Come on, no line...I'VE DONE IT! WOO HOO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME! I'm bought! U-S-A! U-S-A!  
"Excellent. Finally got that...hmmm. Whoa, today's Irvine's birthday? I forgot all about that! Damn, I'm going to have to check this for a fic..." 


End file.
